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| Black Sea of Hope Posted by: JayceRebel at 09-09-2015 08:46 AM, Last Modified 09-09-2015 08:46 AM |
I write these words in the hope that they may help someone else who feels how I feel. If I can help even one person, then baring my soul on here is worth anything that may happen.
They say the best way to quiet your mind is to write it all down, that way you can examine them as if you were reading a book that you had dumped everything onto from your mind. With as jumbled as my mind has been lately, I’m wondering if someone will read my words one day and wonder if they are the ravings of a madman, or the words of a wise old sage. Is there really any difference between the two? Are the people who really see Angels, that are locked away as insane, more courageous than everyone else for telling it like it is? Or should they be more circumspect and be careful of those they tell? Don’t worry, I don’t see Angels. These may still be the ravings of a madman, but they are just what are in my head that are causing me such pain in spirit and that is slowly bleeding over into the physical.
First a brief history lesson. I was born and raised in the Deep South. The Bible belt. The land of intolerance and fear of anything different. Don’t get me wrong, the people of that area would do almost anything for a complete stranger in need because the Good Book says so. These are normally hard working people, families and friends who hold together in the face of adversity and can overcome anything they set their mind to in the name of God. These people can also taunt, accuse, beat, burn and even kill in the name of that same God when confronted by something not covered by the Good Book. They are even more fervent in their prosecution if the Good Book tells them that what they are confronted with is against the natural laws of nature and God. These things include gays, furrys, pagans/wiccans, transgendered, hermaphrodites, anyone NOT the same color as those doing the persecution and I’m sure that if a friendly alien species came down to visit and get to know us, they would be confronted with shotguns and flaming torches as well.
This is where and how I was raised. I was required by my folks to attend church “religiously” until I reached the age of 16 when I could drive my own self around. Then I was allowed a certain amount of freedom to do as I liked. Anyone with kids, or who can truthfully look back on their childhood knows that when that kind of freedom is given, it is instantly abused. I never felt like I belonged there. Honestly I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Most of my childhood I was raised in the country with little contact due to the distance between houses. The private school my folks spend every penny they had sending me to, I was the poorest in the class. The majority of the kids who went there had money or came from money. We all know how cruel kids can be. Remember different is different, even when it comes to money, or the lack there of. Just like any outcast I searched desperately for something to cling to, somewhere to belong. The closest thing I found to a religion that I could accept and understand was Wicca and it made a certain amount of sense to me. If you look at the majority of religions you will see many similarities. Also I had a tough time in items like the Bible. The Bible is supposed to be the words from God himself, but then these words were recorded and translated by man, a naturally and inheritantly flawed being. We tend to think the best about ourselves and anything that may contradict that belief is tended to be ignored or rewritten to put us in a better light. So how can something like the Bible be correct when man is who translated the words of God.
Just like any nerdy teenager who didn’t have many if any friends I ended up playing online games and looking for somewhere to belong on the internet. As far back as I can remember, I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. I’ve never felt any real kinship with mankind and humans in general. When you feel left out and alone and like you cannot relate to anyone or anything because no one feels like they are even the same species you are you look online. I learned about things like transgenderism, and anthropomorphism, and gays and lesbians and furrys and etc etc etc… You search frantically for somewhere, ANYWHERE to belong. You want to find someone to understand you, someone who accepts you, you don’t want to be alone anymore and you will hold on to any lifeline thrown to you. I joined IRC chats, I discovered a place called Second Life and I tried to find out who I was. What I was. The closest I came to fitting in and feeling accepted and alive was the anthropomorphic and furry communities. I made a great many friends and I laughed and loved and shared and was shared to by people I learned to call friends. Then disaster struck. People found out things about me in real life I didn’t want them to know and marriage occurred for the wrong reasons (no she wasn’t pregnant). I had to “clean up my life”, I had to reform, I had to join the rest of the sheep and be a good little human and stop being broken and weird. I tried, God did I try. Everyone I know was married and had kids and were living tough but happy lives. I wanted to be love like that, I wanted to love like that. Needless to say, it didn’t work out too well and I caught the woman, whom claimed to love me, in our bed with another man while I was deployed with the military. I don’t remember what happened really but came to being held down in the front yard by the military police while the paramedics bandaged up the intruder in the bedroom whom has been rutting with my mate. When the guards found out what happened the wife and the other person was escorted from base and divorce ensued.
Next came 9 years of blurry memories of being a good little human, a good little person, a person who didn’t feel, didn’t love, didn’t feel love and was just a mindless, numb automaton going through the motions of life. I avoided people, people caused too much pain and suffering. I avoided just about everyone in my life and as a result I got what I wanted, a life without people. This was a dark time in my life. Being alone with one’s thoughts can be dangerous in this state of mind. I felt like a soul trapped in an ocean of darkness, barely keeping my head above water and wondering if it would just be easier to slip beneath the surface of those black waves forever and end the pain.
One day, not too long ago, I was going through my Amazon wish list. In that list was a book I had placed on it many years before. The book was “Joined in Mind and Body” by Kenneth Fox. This book is a story of love between a human and a small creature from a race of larger creatures that were a feline-taur species. They were telepathic and they, and the humans had formed an alliance to help protect the universe. It’s a love story and the author’s portrayal of the love these two different individuals from two different species had for each other broke something inside me. I send the next couple of days curled into a ball crying for love that I could never have and never would find because deep inside I knew I would never find the other half of my soul because it probably wasn’t even on this planet. I believe that, yes, there is a higher power in the universe. I believe that this higher power has a well of souls to draw from for the people he created and loves. I also believe that we aren’t the only beings he has brought into existence and yet still only has one well to draw from. I believe that when we finally pass on and no longer need the soul he or she has provided for us then we go back to that well and await out new lives. I think that a residual trace of our past lives are still attached to that energy that is a soul and can never be fully wiped away. I believe those, who feel as I do, because I have no illusions that I am the only one, are yearning for a life they once had but not on this planet. I believe that those transgendered people have a soul that still clings to its past sex. I believe those furry’s have a soul that clings to a race of beings that are not of this world and which cannot understand why it cannot find the other half of itself that it is supposed to find to be completed. I believe that all the others out there who are having their own special problems and are trying to deal as best they know how simply have the soul that still clings to a former planet, species, or past life that it cannot forget. I believe that is why many of us will never find the love that will truly complete us and therefore cling to relationships that do not make us feel whole.
These thoughts, once thought, made my heart feel crushed as if by giant black hole. Sucking out every single pieces of joy I had left because my upbringing told me that I was wrong to think this. That I was broken for feeling this way and my internal struggle was so great that I wondered why I had not gone mad already. The war raging inside my mind, body, heart and soul were so ravaging that I felt I would surely perish in those black waters finally and sink into oblivion and maybe, just maybe, I would finally be free and that my mangled soul may once more return to the planet and species that it belongs and yearns for so deeply. Maybe next time I could finally find happiness. Then I read another book. “The Sunset of Furmankind” by Ted R. Blasingame. This book made me laugh, made me cry and helped me to explain what I was feeling inside. The internal struggle and conflict that the main character goes through was the same as I was feeling deep inside me and this book finally brought me some small measure of peace. I still feel hallow and unfulfilled inside and I also feel that I may never find the other half of my soul but putting all of these words down here help to ease a troubled mind. So I joined a Meetup group for furrys here in Colorado. I’ve never been into the fursuits or some of the other wilder aspects of the community, but I feel that the soul lying inside my heart may relate better with these people who also feel just as separated from humanity as I do in some instances. I’m hoping to separate myself from the life of a hermit I have been living and maybe find some small measure of peace and happiness in my life. I still feel the yawning black seas in my soul, but now I have found a life preserver to hold onto. Maybe I’ll find a boat next and someone to sail it with me. To everyone out there, wherever you are who feel this way remember, there is hope even if there doesn’t feel like it. There are other out there who feel just the same way you do. You are not alone, WE are not alone. We may just be on the wrong planet as the wrong species or the wrong sex or…. I know not many will probably end up reading this and those that do may blow up my inbox with flame and hate for what I feel and believe but this is MY life, not yours. Go live how you want to and I’ll try my damnedest to be happy with what I have.
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