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| I'm Still Alive Posted by: Tengu-San at 05-11-2015 21:48 PM, Last Modified 05-11-2015 21:48 PM |
*full disclaimer, there is talk of suicide, and please know, I don't condone such things, and I plead to you, if you wish for this, talk to me, talk to someone. Don't go like this. It isn't worth it. Thank you.*
I am Tengu. 20 year old panda. I game, a lot. In fact, I've probably devoted more hours into Doom than I've even been alive. Gibbing those damned demon zombie things is an extreme pleasure of mine, and with the release of Brutal Doom, the gibs are chunkier and more tasty than ever before. But, listen to me rant. Let us talk, shall we?(But seriously, let's frag some satanic ass :3)
I see a lot of you saddened by the world, and her cruel hands. Would you believe me if I told you, I knew what it was like? That I knew exactly what you're talking about? I'm going to give a play by play of my life. When you read this, do not cry. Do not pity me. If you must know, I would do exactly the same way over again. I would want this, if I had to choose it. Because, I have the power of knowing the suffering of others, thus granting me a profound understanding of what anyone of you is going through. Also, please, if you're feeling sad, do not be afraid to come to me. I will not mind in the slightest.
I was born June 27th, 1995. I do not know my real father. He abandoned me before birth. All I have of him is an extremely old picture. I have tried to meet him, but every time I try, he shoots me down. As I grew older, everyone around me seemed to sense this presence, like I just was different. Even the doctor who delivered me said I was different. I had a lot of issues. Anger, mostly. Even at a young age, I was treated with extreme amounts of disrespect. The neighbor children would do things to me, terrible things. I'd come home, crying, asking the infamous question; "Why?". I'd go on to elementary some time later. During my time in elementary school, my mother and step-father divorced. This really, really, messed with me. He was what I knew as a father figure. He was gone. I couldn't even begin to understand. When I asked him where he was going, as I was very young and very ignorant of the world, he just said he was going home. My mental state was crushed for a long time. We saw each other, but only for so much time. He raised me, but in the end, he was an alcoholic, and abused me emotionally and physically. As I crawled my way through elementary, it only seemed to get worse. Kids, 5 or 6 of them, would just gang up on me after school and beat me. I'd come home bleeding out of places I didn't even know could bleed. Again, I'd begin to question why this was happening. I had one friend. At the time, this made me ashamed. But now I know, though it's too late. But I know his worth. Despite everything that was going on, this guy remained loyal to me. Every day, every weekend. Halo 2 and an assload of Dr. Pepper. It was so amazing. This went on for some time. I made it to 7th grade, I moved away from my hometown, and all it's toxins, only to find I've arrived in a new hell. My step-father began the abuse I had mentioned before, and since I was the new kid, I got the shit end of the stick at school. From 7th grade, quite literally until the day I graduated, this kid from school followed me everywhere. He'd pick fights, he'd spread lies and rumors. He'd do everything in his power to ruin me. Eventually, I unleashed the inner rage that I had kept locked away all those years. In the eyes of the government, the school officials, the students, everyone. I was now labeled the Herald of the Second Columbine. All because I actually stuck up for myself. When I was alone, cornered, out of ammo and out of options, I defended myself and my honor from his defilement. I was eventually sent to a prison school. Armed guard(Remington 870, Glock 17, 1 canister of tear gas, speed cuffs, Ar-15 in his squad car, and a taser), barred windows, and maximum security. All because I decided to fight this kid back, and not let him push me around. I defied the lords, defied the masses, and was punished. Severely. By this point in my life, I had attempted suicide a few times, I had begged anything and anyone, to just end my life. Abuse at home, abuse at school, no friends. Nothing. Well, that one friend I had? My sophmore year, he moved to North Carolina. I was indeed alone. My mother was so busy at work, my dad was too busy getting drunk. Everything was spinning around me. Why was this happening to me? Well, this goes on, the fighting and the abuse. Then one day, I realized it. I go through these trials because I have to know. If I didn't know what all this was like, to be lonely, to be afraid, I'd be that yuppie punk who did the bullying. I have seen things, terrible things in my dreams. Things I can only describe to you as demons. I have self-harmed. I have tried to give up. But you know where I'm at now? That kid who followed me everywhere, messing with me? He's a pedophile and a meth head. All the other people that messed with me are quite literally in jail. But here I am. Alive. I made it. Sure, I get sad, and I get upset, and sometimes stuff doesn't always work out. But, at least I made it farther than anyone ever said I could. I never thought I'd make it here. But, I did. I promise you, you can too. It will be hard, of that, there is no doubt. But just know, that when it's all over, this glorious sunshine will come, and it will shine upon thee. Don't give up, my friend. Your adventure has just begun. Do you even want to know how satisfying it is, to prove someone wrong? To just stick the middle finger right in their face, and just go? Why don't you find out?...... |
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