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| Who and What is Dark Xander, the Red Dragon IRL Posted by: DarkXander at 10-10-2014 11:02 AM, Last Modified 10-10-2014 12:27 PM |
Foreword:
I heard so many peoples storys here, about growing up, about troubled lives, about hard times, and also stories from the people who like to be dramatic, and make shit up to sound like they are in need of everyones pity and understanding, those ones seem to be few tho. I dont know if the correct term is EMO but whatever the case. They act that way because they crave attention and sympathy from others. This is my story greatly summarized. I need no sympathy, or attentions, im simply posting with the hope people will come to understand and show a bit more respect towards me and ""what i do, why i do it, and what i believe in"". I dont need the acceptance of others either, i have never had it in any great amount, and i dont believe in doing anything just to conform to the opinions of others. Like or hate what i do, why i do it, and what i believe in, its your own choice, but respect mine just as i respect yours.
Young Life:
Interestingly enough, i still remember, in great detail, thing i did, thought about, and saw while i was a mere 2 years old, which is 26 years ago now. I remember exactly where i lived, what the home looked like, and in almost perfect video quality i can see the memories in my head if i concentrate on it. Ive heard most dont remember back nearly this far so i consider myself gifted in this manner. And these times were good memories, some of which have helped me many times since, even recently, to fall back on and remember who i am and where i come from. And keep me tethered to my beliefs and the truths i hold inside.
My earliest memory is living in a mobile home park and being in a baby walker rolling around the kitchen. I have no recollection of coherent thought or understsanding, which i likely didnt have at that age honestly, being in a walker i can only speculate this memory is from sometime between 6 months and 18 months old. Its like watching a video clip in my head, without audio, i simply remember the action and the sights and nothing beyong this.
Another memory i would approximate to be around 2 years old, i remember collecting a pile of stuffed animals and piling them and myself into my late grandmothers lap in a recliner chair in the same mobile home, being more developed i do remember a bit of the feelings i felt in that moment, but still no verbal or audio as i would call it, just the sights, and a little emotion which was love, and happiness, and comfort. She was always there when i needed her, more often then my parents were.
The next memory i have is most likely a figment of my imagination at that age, i know my actions and such were real, but what i saw i believe was my young imagination playing a trick on me because i was playing inside our mobile home, and running as fast as i could from one end of the house to the other, i loved to run, and feel the speed, and see things go past me so fast(and People wonder why i race cars now....) Anyway i ran back to the east end of the mobile, jumped mid run, and landed sliding on the big bed at the end of the room in crawling position and looked out the window. This was the first time i remember experiencing fear, and i dont mean being scared, i mean the fear that makes you loose your voice in terror, and makes you freeze in position. I honestly dont know if it was real, or if my imagination was just on fire. But i was looking out the window with my nose to the glass, and then realized i was locked eyes with what appeared to be a Tiger on the other side of the glass. I remember the face with the stripes, and the perfectly still stare it gave me with its jaw partly open breathing downward through its mouth just staring back at me. I remember i wanted to run and hide, but i couldnt, my body was frozen, and when i tried to yell all that came out was breath. I couldnt use my voice at all. After a few minutes it simply slinked off from the window, and walked away giving me one last look back as it left. It still took me a moment to manage to break free and fall off the side of the bed trembling and crawl faster than i can ever remember crawling before because my legs were too wobbly to stand from the shock. Of course when Grandmother went to the window to see what had terrified me she saw nothing, and honestly now i know the likelyhood of a real tiger having been there is almost impossible. But still the vision in the memory is so vivid i cant accept that for sure, and still wonder what i was really seeing that time.
Interestingly enough my birthdate reflects the following
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/9/1986 and ending 1/28/1987.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.
You were born on a Sunday
under the astrological sign Leo.
Something else i found in the same place:
Your birthstone is Peridot (which is neon green, was my original favorite color coincidentally)
Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality. (So far maybe ever so slightly, but mostly id say isnt working, lol)
Now i dont want to get everyone thinking im also one of those extremely super-stitious people, im actually more logic/scientific minded, Im a math genious according to state and college tests, and we all know im a very strong programmer(i built and programmed this site from scratch), and i do believe in god, and was raised baptist. But i freely acknowledge as well, that in my life i have seen some things, some things i cannot even begin to explain from either the scientific, or the faith side of things. And i accept that just because i dont understand it, or cant rationalize it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist or cannot happen. Ive learned to keep my mind open, because i have a lot of stuff i cant explain in my life.
Funny thing is, When i decided to build this place, as Kovu can attest, i got some soda, and somehow my mind can do it, i sat down at my computer, drinking soda, and went into a 10-12 hour programming binge, non stop except for bathroom breaks and a snack here or there. Some of you might think that means using a IDE tool for programming like Eclipse or such. Not for me tho. This sites programming has all been written in notepad, and G-Edit(Linux Notepad) as somehow i have memorized 90%ish of the language, and the entire basecode for the first furrtrax release was written in Windows XP Notepad straight from my mind to paper with no error correcting program, no color coding, no assistance. Its just something my mind can do, its all algebra to me, and i can write code like i am a machine myself. There is a side effect tho, durring, and sometimes after one of these sessions, i do experience migranes durring the latter half of the session, and sometimes for hours afterward. Almost like a mental overload, and ive caught myself unable to stop seeing code and numbers in my head after one of these sessions as well, i usually try to lay down and sleep away the migrane, but my mind wont slow down, i keep thinking of more code and more ideas of code to write and the headache only continues.
I usually have to resort to heavy pain meds to knock myself out after such a session and actually find sleep. And when i wake up usually the opposite happens. I get that thick feeling in my head where i find myself not thinking at all, because i cant it seems, even basic things can confuse me untill i get some food and caffiene in me, and slowly. I also found if i slam a can or 2 of soda quickly, the headache comes back in a matter of a minute. SO i have to sip and sip, and then i will slowly get back to normal. Only way ive found to prevent this cycle from happenning is to force myself to stop every 20-30 minutes, no matter what im programming for, work or otherwise, and clear my head for 5-10 minutes. And that means thinking about nothing, just listening to myself breath, and listening to my heartbeat which i can indeed hear if i try, and not even counting the beats, even that messes with me, just the sound nothing else. I dont have to stop programming, i can keep going rapidly, but then the adverse effects will grow, and eventually get to what i described. Kovu may remember the night after i wrote the base code, ME, a ex rodeo rider, tough guy, was crying my eyes out, holding my head laying down because of this, a dabilitating migraine from programming too intensely for too long.
Some of you have reported bugs, or feature requests that have caught my eye, and seen how fast i can do programming re-writes, and even code new features for the site, a matter of 1-5 minutes usually, versus much longer for most people.
To be Continued.......... |
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